Reminisce

Today I read my post, the one I made the day Nicholas broke up with me. How nonchalant I  was trying to sound. How noble and brave of me! What an idiot.

The second he walked out of my house with, “I’m sorry I can’t kiss you goodbye,” I closed the door behind him and burst into horrendous sobbing. I stumbled across the house to my Mom and managed to somehow tell her that he hadn’t even kissed me goodbye. She went flying out the front door and I fell to my knees on the carpet of her bedroom and screamed. I screamed and screamed until she came back inside and rushed to give me a hug. I screamed for hours, crying and sobbing, barely able to breathe.

My throat was sore for days, and my sore throat was the only reason my Mom forgave me for getting ice cream that night (I was supposed to be going dairy free for a week). My little brother offered me comfort while I dissolved into tears every fifteen minutes, unable to get a hold of myself or my feelings. When I wrote my blog post that day, it was nighttime, and I was out of tears. I was cold, unfeeling in any way, and dying slowly from the inside out. I really truly felt like I would never love again.

My heart was ripped into a thousand pieces and I’m still picking them up.

Some people say that you can’t fall out of love with someone until twice the time that you were together has passed. Alright. I’m almost 1/2 through my sentence of dealing with my Nicholas feelings, then, because they still exist. I still cry over him. I still hug my stuffed animals tight with The Mountain Goats playing over my headphones and bawl into my pillowcase because he will not leave me be.

It sucks getting over somebody that you thought was the end of it. There would be no more heartbreak because he was here. He was the love I wanted and needed so badly. He was everything I’d ever wanted and more. Smart, organized, attractive, sweet, loving, attentive…how will I ever find someone better than Nicholas?

I sure as hell don’t know, but I’m also not really going to try. I have plenty of time to fall in love, but first I  need to finish healing.

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Red

Red is Caleb’s new nickname for me, both because my hair is now red (see below) and because Harley Quinn calls Poison Ivy “Red”. Caleb is Harley Quinn in my phone, the cool Harley not the sad one in the abusive Joker relationship. We’re going to cosplay Boy!Harley and Poison Ivy for comicon together. He’s my partner in crime, my goofy best friend where Kevin is the sensible best friend.

Red, also because that’s usually the color of my puffy eyes before I fall asleep. I need stronger medication and I’ve emailed my doctor about it. I’ve cried myself to sleep alone in my bed the past two weeks. I’ve had 3 minor panic attacks and Monday night I ended up calling Caleb, who honestly doesn’t need to deal with anymore of my dumb shit. I thought coming back to college and distancing myself from my ill mother and stressed out father would fix things a bit. It just made me worse. Thanks #mentalillness for being the blackhole in my otherwise awesome life. Woohoo, thanks for nothing you useless reptile.

Things are really tough. I actually really miss Christian. He was solid and soft and predictable in his faults…

I’m scared. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore but I also don’t want to risk getting hurt again. The breakup with He Who Runs feels like years ago but it was only five months, and yet it hurts still. It’s like an old self-harm scar. Pale pink and new, but it doesn’t hurt when you poke it. It reminds you of bad times and hurt feelings and you just want it to go away and stop reminding you. Bleh. Feelings are dumb.

Caleb shared his private blog with me. It hurt to read but it was nice to know how he truly felt through the tumult of the past 5 months. I wish we could erase everything between us. Every conversation, every misconstrued text message and snapchat and Facebook message. I wish it could all start over with me being healed and him being new to my shitty personality. Maybe then he’d realize I wasn’t worth all the effort he put in over the summer.

Is this what it felt like to be Chris? I’m the Chris now. I’m the experienced one with a shitty ex who accidentally caused problems later on down the line. But now that I understand Christian, I just want him back. Not in a romantic way, but in a comforting way to talk things out. He must know how this feels, right?

Holy shit my life is a mess and I’m slowly falling apart, but at least I look good doing it. Nice.

Well, I’m alive. We’ll see if I write more often now that I’m stressed again. Woot woot.

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Dear Me in 2010,

Congratulations! You have just turned 14 years old. Actually you turned 14 years old 3 days ago, but we’re a little busier when we’re 20. Anyway, I just want to congratulate you on making it this far, because shit is about to hit the fan. This is final summer you have as an innocent child with good mental health.

There are some pros and cons of turning 14.

Pros:

  • Dad makes bedtime like 10 minutes later
  • Mom lets you dye your hair purple (just the bangs and ends though)
  • You see your very first concert and it’s your all-time favorite band (but at this point, in August, you haven’t really listened to them yet) you will brag about this concert to this day
  • You make some sweet new friends who are GREAT at art and you love them
  • You learn what forgiveness really looks and feels like
  • You survive

Cons:

  • You get bullied this year, really badly and by people you trusted
  • The nerd-squad evaporates
  • That guy you really like gets a girlfriend from a different school and that sucks for like 5 minutes
  • You learn what manipulation looks and feels like
  • You cut yourself…a lot
  • You try to kill yourself

 

Don’t worry though! You don’t go all the way through with it! You make it out okay in the end!

Today, six years later, our hair is blue. We are on medication that makes our nasty depression go away for the most part. We’re getting a tattoo this week. Yeah, the tattoo that 14 year old us used as bait to keep us alive during The Notebook Incident. We still call it The Notebook Incident. We don’t talk to Kayla but we DO forgive Chloe and Emily. We love them again, we learn what it’s like to rebuild old relationships and find the beauty in people who have changed for the better. WE CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!

What is about to happen to you, to us, is very damaging. You will cover the old self-harm scars with the tattoo. You will smile again. You will be a lot less self conscious about your body as you go, about your laugh, about everything in that godforsaken Notebook. The thing that tries to kill us, my darling, makes us so much better in the end. Not stronger, maybe, but far kinder.

We like our dark lipstick. We still love to dress mostly in the color black. We are a camp counselor with amazing friends and a huge, supportive family. We FINALLY come out of the closet and kiss some very beautiful girls in high school. Maybe we’ll kiss one in college…who knows?

Dear Me,

…you made it.

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Yikes (Hello Again)

Hey guys. It’s been forever since I’ve posted here…some stuff has happened.

  1. antidepressants are amazing and I am so happy (which is why I haven’t posted as much)
  2. tampons are surprisingly comfortable when you work at a summer camp
  3. my hair is blue, I mean all of my hair (see picture below)
  4. a girl stayed at my house for a week and it was decently awful
  5. I am the world’s coolest camp counselor

The kids at camp think I’m a mermaid and am personal friends with Peter Pan. They have begun referring to themselves as “Teague’s Lost Girls” and writing Peter Pan letters. I’m so happy to have encouraged imagination and happiness in this new generation. May there be many new storytellers among them.

These lovely little girls ask me for new Peter Pan stories every day, and I mostly make them up on the spot. I’ve also taught them about the King Arthur legends, Robin Hood, and other lovely medieval heroes. It’s amazing and I love my job.

Caleb has sent me an amazing mixed tape (and I mean a legit mixed TAPE) and a walkman to listen to it with. I’m so happy! He’s a great friend…maybe more than friends sooner rather than later. I don’t know what’s up with my emotions, but they’ll figure themselves out soon enough. I know I have romantic feelings for Caleb and he has them for me. He even drew me an amazing picture as a Disney Princess.

I need a new phone and I don’t know whether or not I want an iPhone or another Android. I guess I’ll have to compare and contrast them. I like all the options iPhones have for covers and whatnot. So that might be a thing soon.

I miss Kevin, we haven’t hung out in like 2 weeks. Ughhhhh.

Anyway, I’ll post more now that things are a lot less hectic in my corner of the world.

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Holy Shit

So I haven’t written in awhile. I’ve been kind of tired and off lately, but that’s a side effect of my medication. I haven’t been very good at getting motivated, or writing at all.

I’ve had an entire failed flirtationship with Caleb from art school at college in my absence. Having decided that I’m in no mood for a relationship currently, we have ended things on good terms as best friends. He made me a lovely B-sides CD with Peter Pan on the cover. I’m very happy that he’s my best friend (other than the lovely Kevin, of course).

I start work soon, amen. I can’t wait to get going! I’m more than excited to become a camp counselor at Pathfinder and spend the rest of my summer working with children. I love being around kids and working with them, so this is my dream job! Especially since it has so many imaginative pieces and parts.

Life is wonderful, yeah?

Anyway, everything is great now.

Stormy Nights

Last night there was a huge storm. My windows were shaking, the thunder was incredibly loud, and I couldn’t sleep. I ended up talking to my friends Serena, Matt, and Caleb on Facebook while I tried to calm myself down enough to fall asleep. My brain wouldn’t shut off last night, but I managed to get my anxiety to shut up.

I woke up surprisingly early this morning, which is good, because I have plans with Kevin today and I need to get ready. We’re going to the antique store (my favorite) and out to lunch. I need to find a surprise for Caleb, since he’s giving me a care package on Sunday.

HE MADE ME ART! I love art! I still have all of my old middle school friend’s art! That was my favorite part of being friends with artists. They’d hand off little sketches or draw cute things on the notes we exchanged. I’d respond with stick figures, of course, because I suck at drawing, but art is so impressive to me. I feel so blessed that Caleb (who is insanely talented) would draw something for me. Much less the cover of a mixed CD!

I really wish I could someday receive a legitimate mixed tape. Like the kind from the 80’s and 90’s that I’d have to go to Goodwill and get an aging cassette player to listen to properly. Or go to Radio Shack’s secret internet hobby hole. Dunno. It just sounds really fun and romantic to me. I like old things. Old movies, books, tea cups, music, vinyl. Things with history or a history behind them.

Anyway, life is good. I hope your life is going just as great!

2am

I want the hollow feeling in my chest to go away. I want to erase the feeling of what’s left of a broken love that meant nothing. I have had such good days lately and amazing nights, too. Last night my friend Caleb and I skyped for 4 hours until 2am. We watched “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist” as a way to sort of sum up our week of playlist making for each other as well as cement our new Tuesday movie night tradition.

Caleb’s playlist for me is in 4 parts. Songs for when I need cheering up, songs about partying, songs about our friendship, and cutesy songs.

Between Caleb and Kevin, my life is amazing. Kevin and I adventure together and snuggle and Caleb gives me the quiet sense of soft that I need in a friend. Kevin does that too, but his is more physical and Caleb’s is more emotional. I guess…I don’t know how to explain but the two of them make life a lot better.

I don’t want to love anyone for a really long time. I never want to feel this empty and hurt and aching again. Not a boy, not a girl, not a human who identifies between the spectrum, nobody. I just want no feelings. And I’m writing this as Caleb is telling me goodnight. Today he went to Hot Topic and found a cute hat for me that “He couldn’t leave without” that says Love, Trust, and Pixie Dust. 

Kevin and I are going to Leland tomorrow for sandwiches at our favorite place where we had our ‘first friend date’.

I feel like Buttercup when she found out that Westley was murdered by pirates, “I will never love again.”

Maybe someone will make me feel less like Buttercup and more like Julie from Warm Bodies. Although right now I’m more like R, the existential zombie. Someone wake me up. Someone make me feel. I don’t want to love, but I do…

Ugh.